Golf Range Etiquette - Are you an offender?

Golf's greatness is unarguable amongst those of us who passionately pursue it. Whether you're a weekend warrior or a fortunate soul blessed with recording 300 rounds per year, the glory of the game is not up for debate, save perhaps the discussion over which particular facet of golf makes it the greatest game on earth. Is it the unique quality that golf is the only sport in which you call penalties upon yourself? Perhaps the grandest part of golf is that no matter what level of the game you play, you are really always only playing against yourself. Some argue that golf's most glorious quality is its inability to ever be perfected, while others stake claim to the completeness of the game's challenge; blending body, mind, and soul into the ultimate physical and mental challenge.

No matter which side of the “greatness of golf” debate you fall on, the tie that binds most golfers to one another is the game's commitment to honesty, integrity and etiquette. Or at least it used to be.

I am not certain when it all began to unravel, but I suppose it should come as no surprise that as our society has become more rude and self centered, so too have our golf courses and fellow participants. Sports are merely a reflection of a culture, and in a nation where talking on cell phones in movie theaters has become as normal and accepted as unruly children running around in crowded restaurants, it is no wonder that our golf courses are now filled with inconsiderate, unapologetic, selfish hackers.

Whether it's the foursome in front of you that believes that a 5 hour-or-longer round of golf is acceptable, or the drunken cretins behind you who think it's both acceptable and funny to hit into you while cannon-balling their eleventh malt-liquor of the front nine, there is no escaping the myriad examples of golf's etiquette vacuum. Players are loud, golf clubs are tossed regularly, and ball marks are rarely repaired on greens.

Sadly, the list of etiquette violations goes on and on and seems to know no boundaries. In fact, the slap in the face reminding you that golf has lost its ability to rescue you from society hits you the moment you arrive on the driving range.  Practice and warming up are very personal and individual rituals ranging from the very serious to the comically casual, but is it too much to ask and expect that we be allowed to do so with just a little decorum?

Recently I have noticed that nary a trip to the range goes by without encountering at least one of the most egregious offenders of range etiquette:

 • The Commenter: This is the jerk who critiques his own swing out loud for all to hear. “Fat,” “just missed,” or the occasional “c'mon, finish your swing,” will come spewing from his lips after each hack. Hey pal, no one cares about your swing or why it stinks, so keep it to yourself.

• The Chatter: Usually found amongst a group of guys who are just glad to be away from their wives, these range etiquette violators chat amongst themselves across the entire range rope, regardless of how many other people are trying to concentrate. As each member of the group finishes his swing, he adds to the inane conversation that never ends.

• The Hacker: There's nothing like warming up for a beautiful Spring morning round of golf, only to have the 45+ handicap duffer next to you on the range hit 4 inches behind the ball and send a nice strip of soaking wet turf flying right onto your white silk pants. Don't expect an apology either; he's still trying to figure out why the ball hasn't moved.

• The Sprayer: Similar to the hacker, the sprayer is far more dangerous. This is the person who has no place living in the same zip code as a golf course, let alone endangering the rest of us by showing up at the range. With shank after shank, and hozzle shot after toe shot, eventually this person literally starts hitting the ball perpendicular to where they are standing. Look out if you're at the end of the rope line, because you are in harm's way.

• The Cell Talker: I understand that cell phones are the bane of our existence and are a necessary evil for some business people. If you have cleared it with your foursome and agree to keep the ringer on a vibrating setting, most of us will happily tolerate such instances during our round. The driving range, however, is no place for your cell phone or your annoyingly intrusive business deals. Turn the ringer off, leave it in the cart or stay home. I don't need to hear your snappy ring tone of CCR's rendition of “Proud Mary,” in my backswing and I certainly am not interested in why your assistant manager can't find the bag of fries in the storeroom. At least have the common decency to walk away from the range if you're going to insist on taking the call.

• The Unopened Range: While the examples of individual rudeness are never-ending, there is apparently a new way to avoid enduring such torture which is being implemented by more and more golf courses that I visit; simply don't have the range open. This seems to be most common first thing in the morning when employees are still waking up. Memo to golf courses: if tee times are available at the crack of dawn, then your practice facility must be as well. Lame excuses and insincere requests for our patience and understanding don't loosen us up; although a pulled muscle might be a small price to pay to avoid the pain of the range reminding me that society's politeness has become as rare as a replaced divot.

Rob Williams is the owner and host of the Rob, Arnie and Dawn morning talk radio show heard each weekday morning 5-10A.M. on Sacramento's 98.5FM KRXQ, Reno's 105.7 FM, KOZZ, and www.robarnieanddawn.com. To reach Rob, e-mail rad@robarnieanddawn.com